3 Truths in a Miscarriage
The loss of a pregnancy is a confusing grief. On the one hand, your heart breaks for the death of your child. On the other, the world keeps moving, and you carry a sense of guilt for grieving a child that you never held. This balancing act of emotions leads many to face their season of loss in isolation, unsure of the appropriate pathway forward.
I am writing this article on the due date of my fourth child, Maisy Grace. My wife and I walked through a very difficult pregnancy with complications, fears, and ultimately heartbreak. After 20 weeks, Maisy went to be with the Lord. It forced our family to face some hard truths.
Truth 1: God is Still Good
This is probably the most difficult reality to grasp, but also the one that grounds the grieving process. God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and in that perfect ability did not save you from experiencing this loss. How can He still be good?
My mind goes back to the book of Job. Job loses everything: his wealth, his children, and his health. His wife berates him, his friends blame him, and he finds himself hurting deeply at his losses.
When the Lord finally answers him, He does not react how we would expect. Instead of coming to comfort or coddle, The Lord replies…
“Who is this who obscures My counsel by words without knowledge? Now brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall inform Me.”
This response seems harsh, but when studied closer, its merit becomes clear. We can absolutely struggle with asking why things happen, but our questioning should never point an accusing finger at God. As the One who sets the very definition of goodness, His identity remains steadfast. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
What does that mean practically?
God is good on the day you celebrate a birth, and He is just as good on the day you mourn a miscarriage.
The broken sinful world we live in, and the pain we experience because of it, does not negate the goodness of God. As Job said after the loss of his children…
“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
Truth 2: Your Loss is Real
Part of the struggle in mourning a miscarriage is the fact that the child was never born. He or she never took their first breath. There was no relationship bond built over time. It almost feels like the grief is a false grief.
It’s not.
I struggled with this quite a bit after we lost Maisy. I have close friends who have either lost a pregnancy farther along than 20 weeks, or lost children after they were born. I felt like the heartache I was feeling was unfair to them. Because of this, I initially drew away from talking with people who could really help me. I thought of my emotions as pointless, unfounded, and weak.
However, the death of a child is the death of a child, regardless of how old that child is. The pain is real because the loss is real. A human being is no less valuable inside the womb than out in the world. That is how it feels as a parent, and how God treats the unborn as well.
“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all my days were written in Your book and ordained for me before one of them came to be.”
Not only is God aware of the unborn, but He is lovingly designing them for His purposes. Even when that purpose is to return to Him, they are intentionally loved and created. If that child is loved by God, then there is no shame in you loving them as well.
When we love someone, and we lose them, the natural and appropriate response is to grieve.
Truth 3: There is a Future
I’ll never forget the day we found out that Maisy was no longer with us. The ultrasound technician broke the news, then left the room to give my wife and I space to process it. In the tears and the questioning, we could not see a path forward.
The only reality we could process was inside that room.
However, outside that room there was a world still spinning. Moment by moment, day by day, we fell back into our routines and responsibilities. For a while, we just went through the motions, but slowly something incredible happened.
As we processed the truth of God’s goodness, and we accepted the warranted grief that comes from losing a child, we walked out of a season of depression and into a season of strength. That transition was not because of my wife’s strength or my wisdom, but because of the strength and wisdom of Jesus.
The apostle Paul wrote the book of Philippians during a difficult time of imprisonment. In fact, a large portion of his ministry was while he was under persecution. However, he shares with the church in Philippi about a secret he had learned to be content in all circumstances.
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
That verse isn’t just a Christian platitude, but a lifeline of comfort in times of hardship. It is not by our own strength that we process loss and move toward a future of peace, but it is in the strength of our Savior.
The loss of a child is heavy. That weight never goes away. The burden never gets lighter, but the strength in which we carry the loss increases each day as Christ strengthens us.
Maisy Grace,
Your mom and I love you very much, and we are so glad that you get to be with Jesus. You get to live a life that is so great, we can’t even fathom it on this side of eternity. One day we will experience that abundant life together. We will walk the streets of gold and worship God forever, completely separated from sin and death. My heart longs for that day.
Love, Your Dad
